Emotional Abuse: Tearing You Down From Inside

Emotional abuse, also known as psychological abuse or chronic verbal aggression, is a form of abuse in which the abuser uses various techniques to diminish their victim’s sense of self-worth, trust, and identity. Psychotherapist Beverly Engel writes, “Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidating, or under the guise of ‘guidance,’ ‘teaching,’ or ‘advice,’ the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value.” And like all forms of abuse, emotional abuse can happen to anyone. This article will focus on emotionally abusive parents, though significant others and friends can be emotionally abusive as well.

In a familial relationship, the most common form of emotional abuse is parent-child abuse. Parents or guardians can cut away at a child’s self-confidence and self-worth through constant berating and abusive behavior. Some signs of a psychologically abusive parent are verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, deprivation of necessities, and unrealistic responsibilities. These signs are not a complete list of emotionally abusive behaviors, and it is important to note that a parent can still be abusive without showing all of the signs listed.

Verbal abuse can take many forms: humiliating, belittling, yelling, insulting, and threatening. Phrases such as "I wish you weren't born," “I wish you were more like your sister," or “you are a lost cause” can also be abusive as well. This isn’t to say that every parent who tells their child off is abusive. However, consistent putting-down of a child can turn into abuse. The NSPCC’s (National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children) definition of abuse notes that it “may involve conveying to a child that they are worthless or unloved, inadequate, or valued only insofar as they meet the needs of another person.” Verbal abuse at its core is using words to communicate to the victim—directly or indirectly—that they are not worthy of respect and/or love, which can leave mental scars that last a lifetime.

An abusive parent may also use emotional manipulation, by which the abuser tries to exert influence over the emotions or behavior of their victim, usually for their selfish benefit. This behavior can include guilt-tripping, demanding affection, or shaming the child for showing “undesirable” emotions like sadness. Emotional manipulation is especially common in narcissistic or self-absorbed parents. According to psychotherapist Amanda Perl, narcissistic parents are also more likely to “gaslight” their children, “in which they deny the child’s emotional reality and make them question their sanity (‘I never said that’).” If a child feels like they are constantly walking on eggshells around their parent(s), it can be a sign of emotional abuse.

Deprivation of necessities occurs when a parent deprives their child of basic necessities like food, water, clothing, and shelter, and/or makes the child feel guilty for receiving them. As used as a means of abuse, the deprivation of necessities is intentional and malicious. Ashley B., a survivor of emotional abuse, explains “My whole life I heard: ‘At least I put a roof over your head!’ ‘At least I feed you!’ ‘At least I don’t beat you!’ And I tried to tell myself I was selfish for feeling bad after abuse [. . .] I thought not getting beaten or starved were just privileges I had to earn.” A parent is responsible for their child. Refusing to provide for them or making them feel guilty for requiring basic needs is emotional abuse.

Another sign of an emotionally abusive parent is overwhelming expectations: expecting their child to act as an adult, or accepting nothing less than perfection. An abusive parent may force parental responsibilities on their child—emotional or physical. This is called parentification, where a child must act as a parent to their sibling(s) or parent(s). Parentification can lead to the child losing their childhood, having their sense of self damaged, and having difficulty managing their own emotions later on in life. An emotionally abusive parent may also demand perfection. Though it can be beneficial to push a child to try harder, setting extremely high expectations for everything a child does can lead to the child becoming afraid to try new activities, losing their confidence, and growing up to be overwhelmingly self-critical.

As mentioned earlier, this article is not a complete list of emotionally abusive behaviours at all. A parent can be psychologically abusive even if they don’t show all—or any—of the behaviours explained in this article. If you or someone you know is experiencing signs of emotional abuse, reach out and seek help. Escaping an abusive relationship—whether familial, platonic, or romantic—can be difficult, but it is definitely possible.