Exclusive: Amanda Hacker Interviews Amanda Hacker

Interviewer: Amanda, thank you for joining me on such short notice. Is there any particular reason why you’ve asked to meet in your bedroom?

Amanda Hacker: Well, we’re the same person and we live here, so I guess for convenience.

Interviewer: That’s smart. Do you consider yourself a particularly smart person?

A.H.: No.

Interviewer: I’m aware, however, that you consider yourself to be a “nerd”. You believe, then, that although you’re a nerd, you’re not intelligent?

A.H.: I believe my lack of intelligence has no bearing on my being a nerd. I identify with nerds on an aesthetic level, mainly in that I’m uncool and I wear glasses. My spirit animal would probably be a turtle; when I get scared, I hide in my turtleneck. Also, one time someone told me I look like a human turtle because I don’t have much of a jawline.

Interviewer: Yes, I see it. Amanda, you were elected Senior Year President last April. First off, congratulations.

A.H.: Oh, thanks, Amanda. It was so unexpected.

Interviewer: No problem. I was rooting for you. Now, Amanda, as Senior Year President, do you have any advice for younger grades?

A.H.: No.

Interviewer: Cool. I’m sure the readers would love to hear; can you recall for us a childhood memory that has had a lasting impact on your life?

A.H.: Yes.

Interviewer: Right. If you could, please recount that memory now.

A.H.: When I was four, my sisters left a puddle of glue in front of the stairs so that I would get stuck in it and be rendered unable to spend time with them.

Interviewer: How has this memory informed your life?

A.H.: Well, now I’m much more cautious of mysterious puddles of glue on the ground.

Interviewer: Do you often come across mysterious puddles of glue on the ground?

A.H.: Sometimes.

Interviewer: Amanda, tell us, what is your dream job and why?

A.H.: I’d love to be a tyrant. I’m great at making decisions under pressure and I look good in a beret. Also, I suffer from a God-complex, so there’s that.

Interviewer: And would you rename your country?

A.H.: Yes, I’d rename it Trivago.

Interviewer: Like the travel service?

A.H.: Yes. I’m not a fan of their commercials and I imagine it would be bad press to have a dictatorship named after your company.

Interviewer: Once again, smart thinking from you, Amanda. Since it’s now 2019, did you have any New Year’s Resolutions?

A.H.: Yes. My resolutions were to overthrow Kim Jong Un, get a haircut, and create lasting world peace.

Interviewer: And were you at all successful?

A.H.: Yes. I got a haircut.

Interviewer: Has anyone noticed?

A.H.: No.

Interviewer: It looks great, by the way. Now, Amanda, word around the school says you have an upcoming World History project. Do you feel good about your work?

A.H.: Not at all.

Interviewer: Right. One final question, if you don’t mind. Why have you submitted this to Behind the Ivy instead of a legitimate piece of writing?

A.H.: I’m glad you asked, Amanda. First off, I’d like to reintroduce the point about my lack of intelligence; I sincerely feel that played a large part in the creation of this interview. On top of that, I’m tired of reading about Trump.

Interviewer: Aren’t we all! Well, thank you for participating in this interview. And, before we close off, can I just say how impossibly gorgeous you are?

A.H.: Please, if anything you’re the stunner!