Rachel Tam: Episode Two
“What are some subtle ways of using my phone at lunch?”
Why do you think the “Device-Free Zones” were created? To make students more stealthy, obviously. Though I scoff at your ignorance of the many ways to be a stealthy phone addict at lunchtime, I will gladly supply you with some ideas.
1. Try putting your phone inside your food
You know that old trick of pretending to read by putting your phone inside of a book? Just take that idea and ramp it up, then BAM! You get the idea of eating a phone-wich, phasta, and maybe even phoup! Yeah sure, you might not be able to see your phone in one of these options, might not be able to use your phone after another one of these options; but hey, you just gotta check Instagram one more time, just to make sure you have seen ALL of the new photos the people sitting right next you have posted. Plus, you’ll get a mouthful of metal. (YUM!)
2. Sit under the tables, or better yet, strap yourself to the ceiling
I love those superhero movies where the villain steps into a room, looks for the hero but can’t see them, and then leaves before the camera cuts to the superhero, who’s stuck themselves to the ceiling or something. That’s exactly what you need to do. When the teacher on lunch duty comes by, just fling yourself under the table (while knocking into as many chairs as physically possible) OR throw yourself towards the ceiling (gravity? Who is she?). I mean, as long as you can’t see them, they can’t see you. Right? (Maybe even just close your eyes and they’ll disappear without taking your phone from you!!!).
3. Buy a camouflage phone case
Everyone knows that covering a thing with camo makes that thing disappear. Broke out the day before semi (the UNsanctioned one, of course)? Got a nasty math test back? Dropped your laptop from the CN tower? Cover that baby up with some camo! Problem solved. When you have a camo phone case, your phone is invisible to all teachers and Prefects, so feel free to use your phone as much as you want in the device-free zone! By using a camo case, you are essentially giving your phone the same level of stealthiness as a tank, which is definitely a stealth beast.
But all laughs aside (especially that whacky one your friend has—yikes!), you shouldn’t be using your phone in the device-free zones. Yeah, they may be inconvenient from time to time, but lunchtime is a nice time to unplug from the phone that you can use (and probably do use) all the time. I must admit, there are times when I really just want to show my friend this wicked meme I found during lunch, but just restrain yourself and spend some time without your device. I believe in your ability to not touch your phone for only one hour!
“How do I get into university and not die inside?”
Brave of you to assume that I’m not dead inside. Hahaha. We are all dead inside.
The trick to getting into university is to do as little work as possible. But also, get as little sleep as possible. For example, if you have a Math and Chem test tomorrow, DON’T STUDY! Stay up as late as you can watching food videos on Facebook or scrolling through the Explore page on Instagram. The less sleep you get, the more your brain will be hard-wired to be super active! And you will, for sure, remember anything that you crammed. Plus, you’ll be extremely emotionally stable the next day (definitely no tears when you realize that you can’t do 95% of the test!).
Another fun hack you can use sometimes is to spontaneously burst into tears every time you see the teacher of that class you’re really struggling with. If the teacher sees you crying all the time, they’ll assume you’ve got some MAJOR issues and give you lots of extensions! Yeah sure, you are technically just postponing the inevitable test/deadline. But extensions do make you feel a special tingly way! Extensions make you so relieved that the assessment is further in the future that you’ll completely forget about the assessment until it’s the next day. So next week, you’ll wake up in a cold sweat when you realize you postponed five tests to the same day! Whee!
But if you want to get into a real post-secondary institution without intentionally giving yourself more stress, you gotta work for it. You can’t just expect to be blessed with all 4+’s and an impeccable resume without pouring in the effort. Canadian universities are looking for good grades (check the admission websites to find cutoffs for the university programs you want), cool extracurriculars (join clubs that ACTUALLY interest you! Volunteer somewhere that makes you happy to be there! Do activities that you like and find rewarding!), and nice essays (edit them, please).
If you feel overwhelmed, lost, or just sad, talk with Havergal’s awesome guidance counsellors who are more than happy to help you figure out your life and what you want to do after Havergal. (Seriously, take advantage of the Guidance department; those gals are sick.)
“How do I find a prom date?”
First, you must lower your expectations for a prom date by at least ten notches.
Next, you should stand at the corner of a busy intersection (like Bloor-Yonge) and hold up a sign that says, “Blink If You Want to Go to PROM with ME!” Either everyone will forcibly hold their eyes open to stop themselves from blinking, or people will blink. If it is the first, don’t be offended, they just can’t read your sign (haha, right?). Pull out your handy-dandy spray bottle and fire at the faces of the people who are holding open their eyes. This will force them to blink to get the water out of their eyes and YAY! Now you have a prom date! Choose the most physically attractive person out of the people who are blinking. They could have an awful personality or a history of child molestation, or they could be a serial killer, but who cares? They are SOOO HOT!
Technically, they can still back out of the setup. So take out your (potentially real) handcuffs and link the two of you together. You know that statistic that says that it is likely for someone to marry their prom date? You’re BASICALLY married to them now! So it is perfectly fine to handcuff them to you until prom (and if you start now, that will be around three months of blissful union!).
Assuming your date doesn’t murder you in your sleep, you’ll have a great time at prom with your date who might not even like you that much! Your classmates might give you weird looks, but who cares? They’re just jealous that you have a much hotter date than they do. Right? Wait, your friend’s date is so sweet to her. Now you kinda want a date that enjoys being around you (and who doesn’t need to be physically bonded to you).
If you care more about what your date is like on the inside, you might want to switch up your approach. Instead of going for the hottest one in the group, think about who makes you excited to be with them (maybe it’s that funny guy from UCC, or that super nice girl from Lawrence Park). A prom date should IDEALLY be comfortable in social situations, know you well, and know some of your friends. But if you can’t think of anyone, try to get your friends to introduce you to people they know. If you’re still dateless after that, just go solo! Go with your friends, and you won’t even have to worry about all the hassle of getting a date.